clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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