There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
His hands were made for my vagina.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
