I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
