So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
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