youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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