i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
