I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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