Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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