My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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