There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
