I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
