I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
