jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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