Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
