Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
