I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
