I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
