Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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