walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
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