just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Why did my mother make you get naked?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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