Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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