I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
