Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
