I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
