the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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