Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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