WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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