Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
