Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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