i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
