bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
