The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
