note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
