cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
