he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
