It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
