Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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