i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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