She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
