I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
