dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
