i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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