she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
