The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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