Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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