After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
