I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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