You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Is it because I queefed?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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