I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
