We named our party play list daddy issues
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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