We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
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