Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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