I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
