i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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